31 lessons I've learned - and a message for those struggling

Life is full of lessons. Some we learn automatically, as we grow. Some, we learn without even realising. And some, as unfortunate as this is, we only learn through adversity and suffering. Here are the lessons I've learned over the past 2 years, from good and bad experiences.

1) Life is hard. It's supposed to be. Challenges and adversity are what drive us to improve and better ourselves. Embrace it, or you'll be miserable for the rest of your life.

2) It's not fair either. It'd be nice if the hardest workers got the richest rewards. Sadly, that's not always the case. The sooner you accept that, the happier you'll be. 

3) Your mind can dictate your mood. You can decide what kind of day you're going to have. Stop thinking "it's going to be one of those days," It's only one of those days when you decide it's one of those days.

4) Fear is good. Fear means you have something to lose. If you have something to lose, you have something to live and fight for. Welcome fear as part of your life but don't let it overwhelm you.

5) Courage is not the absence of fear. As wise old Ned Stark said (in different phrasing probably): "You can only be brave when you're afraid." Being scared and being brave go hand in hand. Again - embrace fear.

6) Those with the least are often the most willing to help. Being on the streets helped me to see that often the people with the least to give are those who are the most willing to give. Don't look down on those with less than you - if you lose it all, they'll be the ones offering a hand. 

7) We're all human. Black, white, Christian, Muslim, homeless, wealthy, obese, skinny, shy, outgoing. It doesn't matter, we all come under one banner: human. Others are your equals, treat them that way.

8) No one lives forever. Make the most of the people around you and remember to thank them for what they do. No one gets to the top alone. And if you do - it's awfully lonely there. 

9) Challenge yourself. No one ever got anywhere by staying in the comfort zone. Don't stick to what you know. Challenge yourself to venture into the unknown. No one will force you. It's up to you.

Me. Out of my comfort zone, in front of hundreds of people.

10) Work hard. It's extremely rare for anyone to be able to go through life without any effort. Any examples I've seen have never been as happy as those who work their fingers to the bone to get where they are. A secret - for a few years at school I was way behind everyone else. I got ahead through sheer graft and positive work ethic. Some might even go as far as to say I'm faintly intelligent now. 

11) Play hard. We all need to work to get anywhere in life. But don't forget what it's like to be a kid. We all say we miss it. So be a kid. Play games, climb a tree, build a den, do whatever you did when you were a kid. It'll make you smile,

12) Attitude is everything. The glass IS half full. If you think it's half empty, find a smaller glass. Then it's completely full. I'm a realist with an optimist's attitude. 

13) Family means family. They won't be there forever. I'm guilty of not appreciating mine enough. I love my family, even when they irritate the hell out of me. I wouldn't change them for anything. 

14) Be polite. Chivalry isn't chivalry if it's only to those we find attractive. Manners can make someone's day. And it's so damn easy! Much less effort than being rude.

15) Do what you love. Life is too short to be doing things we don't want to do. Yes, sometimes it is necessary. But, in general, do what you want to do. If you're going to spend your life doing something, you might as well enjoy it.

16) Be a dreamer. I want to travel the world playing poker in major tournaments. I want the glamorous lifestyle of a poker pro. High roller suites, the best parties around, lots of money to be won. Nothing wrong with dreaming, however unlikely it may seem.

17) Open your eyes. See what is around you. Don't live life in such a rush that you don't notice the world. Take off those blinkers and look around in wonder.

18) Appreciate beauty. Forget the news. Forget the wars, forget the suffering, forget everything. Look for yourself - there might be suffering. But there's so much more beauty.

19) Never stop learning. No one will ever know everything. But take every chance to learn something new. Not only does it make you look intelligent, it also makes you more aware of the world. That can only ever be a good thing. 

20) Take every opportunity you can. Seen the film "Yes Man?" Don't go to that extent - but take every opportunity you can. We can read all the books we want but we only ever get better at something by doing it. It'll make you a much happier person, trust me.

21) Make opportunities. There can be no excuses for not making the most of life. There are always opportunities of some kind, but if you can't see any then it's simple - make some for yourself.

22) Smile. It genuinely has a placebo effect. Smiling releases endorphins which make us happy. Don't worry, be happy :) 

23) Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Things may be bad. But you have breath in your lungs so you have something to smile about. No problem was ever solved with self pity.

24) Stop taking life for granted. Life can be snatched away from you when you least expect it. If you were on your deathbed tomorrow would you be happy with how you lived your life?

25) Ask "why?" Remember when you were a kid and you annoyed your parents by repeatedly asking them why? You had it spot on. Why are you unhappy? Why are you happy? Why didn't you take that opportunity? Why did you? Why, why, why, why, why?

26) Ask "why not?" Always look for a reason to be positive about a situation. When someone asks you why you did something, ask them why not! If you get an opportunity...why not?

27) Don't be afraid to say hello. Meeting new people can be difficult for some people. All it takes is a hello. Go for it! You won't regret it :) 

28) Take as many people to the top with you as possible. The more, the merrier.

29) Give something back. It might seem like too much effort but give something back to those who have helped you. You don't have to donate your life savings to a charity but give your time to them, or to someone who needs it. You'd be amazed what it can do for yourself as well as them.

30) Be proud. Recognise your own achievements. Don't be afraid of being perceived as arrogant. You have every right to be proud of what you have achieved. Reward yourself but never stop trying to make yourself even more proud.

31) Don't live to impress others. There's only one person you need to please when it all comes down to it. That person is the one constant who will always be in your life, no matter what. That person is yourself.

These are all important lessons. But the one thing I've learned that will stick with me above all others is that life isn't about titles or glory or success. You might chase it and I certainly do but it's not about that. It's about people. It's about those you see around you every day. It's about the strangers in the same shop as you. It's about your brothers, your sisters, your parents, your grandparents and everyone they know. Life has no higher meaning. We can pretend it does but at the end of the day, it's all about being human.

To those struggling with adversity at the moment, I have a message. You're not alone. You may think you are because your brain has convinced you.

But you're not.

If you're facing a mountain, no mountain is truly insurmountable. Maybe no one has managed to as yet. Why don't you be the first?

Work towards a goal, however simple, and see your problems as mere obstacles in your way of achieving that goal. For those in that situation, I have one, all important piece of advice.

32) Never. Give. Up.

Let me tell you a story.

On Wednesday night, I was on my way home from poker at the pub after a good night. I’d had a couple of beers and had that pleasant fuzzy feeling one gets before destroying it with “just one more.”

I passed a guy in the city centre who was clearly homeless. He didn’t ask me for money. In fact, he barely lifted his head to acknowledge he had even noticed me. I carried on walking for a few yards. Then turned back.

Handing him the food and drink I had just bought from McDonalds, which he accepted gratefully, I sat down next to him. I sat there for probably about half an hour, listening to him talk about his problems and his life.

Before leaving, I gave him £5. This was both all I could really afford, and it was a minimal amount so that he may make the most of it and appreciate it more. I told him to spend it wisely, to which he promised he would and then went on my way.

After work the next day, I saw him again. This time, he was sat on a wall with a woman, clutching a can of cheap lager. He noticed me, and called his thanks, raising his can and smiling. My heart sank and I reprimanded myself for my own folly in giving him money.

But, being an overly analytical person, I began to look at it from a different angle.

First; he was smiling. Regardless of whether was drinking beer or not, he was smiling. This was a stark contrast to the miserable man I had seen huddled in his coat on the high street the previous night.

Second, I considered the person he was with. He had told me that he had split up with his partner and she had kicked him out, leading to his current situation. Was this the same woman? I can’t make assumptions, but I believed it to be her and it made me glad to see that they were at least on talking terms – hopefully something that will lead to an improvement to his circumstances.

Third, his thanks. He recognised me and made the effort to thank me for what I had done. Of course, there’s always the potential that he was mocking me as he had lifted the can in the traditional “cheers” movement, but I have more faith in humanity than that!

Reflecting on this story, I can look at it one of two ways. Either I made a huge mistake and gave a homeless alcoholic money after he told me his sob story, or I genuinely helped a guy and brought even the smallest amount of light to his night/day.

More valuable than the money or the food that I gave to him, was the time I spent with him. Having been in a similar situation myself, I can understand the sheer loneliness of being on the streets, so having someone just to listen to you and to talk to would be a huge thing that a price can’t define.

It might be that I made a mistake by doing it, but there was no getting away from the fact that he was smiling and grateful when I saw him the next day. This post isn’t to say “oh, look what I did.” It’s more to ask people to think about things from a different angle now and then. Things are usually more than they appear on the surface.

From my perspective, I tried to help the guy and I gave him the option to help himself by feeding himself for even just a couple of days. He chose to spend the money that way, so I have no regrets.

Did I make a mistake? Should I be disappointed that he had spent that money on a couple of beers, even if that’s what made him happy? Let me know your thoughts below.

Why you should never give up...

From 11^th March 2013, my life came crashing behind my ears.

Before then, I had everything I had ever dreamed of. I was living happily with my girlfriend of the time, we had a beautiful cat, my job prospects were looking good, my confidence was higher than it had ever been. On top of this, I was doing what I love (singing and playing poker) on a regular basis and enjoying some success.

On 10^th March, I was playing a poker tournament in Birmingham. It was the regional final of a league that I had qualified for. I came third of about 200, and I was over the moon. I couldn’t wait to get back and treat my girlfriend, as I had wanted to do for a while but had a lack of money.

The next day, she ended the relationship and kicked me out of our flat. This was swiftly followed by multiple job rejections, being unable to live at my mum’s place, or my sister’s.

I ended up at the Chace Centre in Coventry, which, if you didn’t know, is worse than prison. I was sinking deeper and deeper into depression. I was then viciously attacked and was hospitalised with fractured ribs and a punctured lung.

A few weeks later, I was diagnosed with a tumour in my stomach. I admit, I was close to giving up at this point. I sat in my small, dingy room feeling sorry for myself, torturing myself with thoughts about what I wanted life to be like.

I started an intense course of treatment for the tumour, which made me feel constantly fatigued and ill, and also had a severe impact on my already fragile mental health. I was referred to the Coventry Foyer, another supported housing establishment, where I was offered fantastic support.

Why am I telling you this?

Well, because almost a year ago, I was drained of my positivity. There was no light at the end of the tunnel for me, and I didn’t believe that anything would get better.

The Prince’s Trust Team Programme was the turning point for me. For those who don’t know, Team is a 12 week course aimed at developing the employment and personal skills of young people. It was the best thing that has ever happened to me, and it had a real impact on my life. It offered motivation that I had been lacking for months, and gave me hope that I could get back to happiness.

On 6^th September 2013, I was given the news that my tumour had cleared. This was incredible news – it was remarkably quick, I had been expecting a much longer struggle than the one I faced. This was a catalyst for me, and I became determined to live life to the maximum. However, issues with my long-gone ex girlfriend still held me back, and I let her keep me down, much to the frustration of my new friends.

If I fast forward to where I am today – I’ve started a fantastic and exciting Apprenticeship with the Juice Academy, I’m due to move into my new place, I’m finally happy to be single, and I’ve rediscovered the happy, lively me that was brought out during the Team Programme.

The reason for this is my stubborn refusal to give in on life. I was tempted, many times to do so. But it is ingrained upon my mind to keep on going. What else could I do? I knew I had abilities, strengths that not everyone necessarily had. I was wasting them, and I knew it. I have fought, and struggled throughout all this adversity, without really knowing why I was bothering.

Now I know why I kept going. I simply had to. I was placed on this earth, to have a story and share it. I have been through more in the last year than a lot of people will go through in 10 years. I came through it, and now I’m in a better position than ever.

I have learned so many lessons from it. I won’t go for the cliché “every cloud has a silver lining.” But I will tell you that throughout any hard time you may go through, you can come through it. If problems are clouds, then remember that clouds dissipate.

My plea to you is never to give up. Whether this be on your dreams, or even on the crossword in the paper – keep going and you’ll get there. My sheer determination got me through an uncountable amount of pain and suffering. Be determined. If you want to get through it, you will.

Forget what anyone tells you, even if they’re trying to be positive and tell you “everything will be ok.” Focus on yourself, on breeding your own positive attitude and on facing your problems face on. Most importantly of all: know that you are amazing. You were built to survive, and you can survive if you believe it.

I overcame a messy break up, homelessness, being attacked, life threatening illness, unemployment and depression. Now I'm smiling a broader smile than I ever have. I'm a stronger person, and for that reason, I feel no bitterness and everything I've been subjected to.

What inspires you to keep going during your hardest times? Let me know in the comments section below.